May 22nd, 2015 was a day that was full of emotions that I am feeling again as I look back and remember. 

On this day 2 years ago my life was starting over. I spent 72 days in the hospital. 72 days of fighting, training, crying, smiling, working my butt off to walk out of the doors of the hospital. To do what I was told wasn’t going to be possible. I walked into the unknown. I walked into my new apartment in a new area of town and I learned to live on my own. I learned to fight for me and I continued to work hard to achieve my life back. 

One year ago I was different from the girl who walked out of the hospital. I had pushed myself to be better. I had flutters in my fingers. I had half way finished my graduate program. I was working my first job in my field of work. I still had big goals to achieve and lots of work to get to. 

Today I reflect on the past day, weekend, month and year. 

I started the day feeling kind of sad becuase I couldn’t go fishing because my arm was so sore and tired from catching fish the past two days. But now I think about how far I’ve come and how this time last year I would have struggled to even bring in one fish never mind the multiple fish I brought into the boat. 

In the past year I’ve learned to skate again. I’ve learned to do a push up. I’ve learned to push myself and I’ve gotten so much stronger. I’ve learned to control my hand and make it more functional than it has ever been before. I’ve trusted the process. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am. I’ve trusted josh to push me and help me to become stronger than I have ever been before. I do things today I never thought I’d ever do again. 

I’ve learned that nothing is impossible. If you want something bad enough you will achieve it. You just have to trust the process and be willing to push through the tough stuff to get to the other side. It’s not always easy but it is worth it. I promise that no matter what it is you are fighting that when you win, whether a small win or a big win, it is worth celebrating. 

It’s crazy that two years have gone by. It feels like yesterday but it also feels like ten years ago. It’s been a crazy uphill battle but the many small wins I have achieved make it all worth it! I’ve had wins both physically and mentally. Physically I have achieved plenty. Mentally I’ve achieved self love. The love of travel. I’ve explored. I’ve been to concerts. I spent the best weekend in Toronto watching three jays games and a raptors game. I’ve graduated with another degree. I’ve done the unthinkable. Ive told my story and tried to inspire others to never give up. I’ve done the things they told me I couldn’t do. I’ve done things  I never thought I could do. 

So here’s to the years that have gone and here are to the year ahead! Here’s to never giving up and always fighting. Nothing great was ever easy. 

Ever feel like your life is just spinning and happening in front of you and you just don’t know how to get off the crazy ride…. 

this is how I have been feeling… I started a new job in February that has been one of the largest learning curves and the faster pace I’ve ever worked at. I come home feeling mentally and physically exhausted. Then you add on top of the all the other commitments and life living things you gotta do and the time seeems to go even faster. 

I’ve beeen mentally struggling to keep up with all my commitments. I felt like my glass was empty and I couldn’t fill it while filling everyone else’s cups around me. I was feeling pretty defeated and my mind raced with ways to escape and ground myself.  

Being a small town girl who never really lived in a city until adulthood I find the need for nature and calmness. I am one of those people that find Thunder Bay large and busy. I find it hard to escape and find quiet. Today I was feel exceptionally fidgety and needing to run and be free…

So that’s what I did. I escaped. I drove and I drove and I drove… 

what started out as a seemingly easy meeting with my friend to get a gym membership turned into a soul nurturing renewing of the faith trip. 

We were five minutes from home and had a quick fifteen minute meeting easy to just go home after but as I had mentioned I had the need to escape. I had decided if my friend didn’t need to go home right away to drive to the other side of town to get gas. After gas I decided to show her the rink I always timekeep at and once there I figured we should take the long way home. We turned the opposite way from town down back roads and weaved are way through the country. We found peace, quiet and beauty. We found rivers and horses and saw mountains and trees. We were silent and we were telling stories healing from the past. We were lost in nature down back roads not knowing where we were headed. It was freeing. We ended up at kakabecka falls where we got out and walked around the falls. Experienced the power of the water and walked through the paths. Saw a bunny and took in the vitamin D from the sun. We got hungry and stopped in to have the best burger I’ve ever eaten and further talked and sat in comfortable silence. After stuffing our stomachs we headed back out. Again not down the straight path home but back on the winding back roads in the quiet…

4 hours later and 100 km I feel renewed. I feel ready to tackle the weeks obsticals. I feel a sense of calm and peace of mind for the first time in awhile. 

I reminded myself how important it is to just stop and to breath. I reminded myself how much I loved driving with no destination in mind down the back country roads. I used to do it daily back home and haven’t in forever. It was definitely needed. I feel a weight off my shoulders. I feel like this evening was important. I feel it’s good to just stop. Breath and do something spontaneous without a plan without expectation just dream and go with where you soul takes you. My mind and body needed the quiet. Needed the peace and beauty of nature. 

Stop and take a breath. Stop filling everyone’s cup up before your own. You are number one. You need a full cup in order to give. I have a lot to give and I care too much but It was important to go out and do me. Be present in the moment. Let yourself experience the adventure. Don’t just watch your life spin and spin. Slow it down. 

Breath in nature 

Life is a journey and you got to be able to roll with the good and the bad and find success every day. 

I’ve been slacking on the blogging because I haven’t felt inspired. But today my inspiration is back and I figured I should put words out. 

Day 1. Day 1 of a new month. Day 1 of a new week. Day 1 of my fitness journey take 500. 

The best part of the lifestyle I choose to lead which is an active physical lifestyle as well as a mental healthy life style is that no matter what happens I get to jump back on the train and know that I will be stronger than yesterday. 

Today was a Monday. It has been my motto to never miss a Monday. Today happened to be a workout with josh. Which also happen to be my best workouts. I always seem to strive for more when I’m being pushed and encouraged by him. Either way today also marks the beginning of my pledge to stay on track for the month of may. You see I’ve fallen off the beaten path and took some detours ate some delicious food and traveled and slacked on my workouts. All it really got me was an upset stomach and very irritable. But here’s the thing. My journey and my way of life is that each day I strive to be better than I was yesterday. 

I fight each day to be a better person and stronger both physically and mentally. Recently I started publicly speaking my story to help encourage others. Public speaking is much more different than hiding behind my computer screen writing this. But being able to speak and motivate has really inspired me. Being able to reach someone and help them makes me know that I am doing the right thing. 

Today was day 1. Day 1 is always the hardest. Getting back on track is tough but I know I can do it because I’ve done it before. I am stronger today than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be even stronger. 

Win that mental battle. Starting a new job has been stressful and absolutely exhausting but I always have a better day after a solid workout. It gives me the energy to fuel my day. I know that working out isn’t for everyone but in order to mentally be healthy you have to find a way to relieve your stress. For me that is by physically sweating that stress away. Giving myself that time to do me. To push my body in ways it’s never been pushed. To achieve things that were not even on the radar before. To feel better and more confident that I’ve ever felt. 

Find that something. Find that place that makes you feel absolutely stress free. You deserve it. You were not put on this earth to work every day and serve everyone else. This is your life and you have to live it. Fill your glass before you fill everyone else’s. If you consistently fill everyone else’s glass before your own you soon will have nothing left to give. Find that time for you. Whether you have to wake up 30 minutes earlier  than do it. Trust me I wasn’t a morning person before. But I know that if I give me time to wake up and do me. Rather than sleep and rush to get ready for work my day will be a lot better. 

Starting the day off with a workout or ten minutes of reading can really change the course of the day. It’s hard to be positive. Sometimes you have to start small. Find positives within periods of time and soon everything will fall into place. 

So whether today is day one day 30 day 365 or you haven’t quite started know that tomorrow you will wake up and have the choose to start or continue. Tomorrow is a new day and you get to leave today’s troubles in the past. You may not physically be ready to begin but start the mental process because the mental fight is the hardest part. You can always always start again. No matter how far you fall you can always stand back up and dust yourself off! The best part is knowing you’ve done it before so there is no reason you won’t be able to do it again! 

And for those days you just aren’t sure you can do it. Put on your superhero shirt and find that power of will and realize you can do!!! 

So I took a trip down memory lane and saw some pictures from my university grad party. Three years ago. Three years ago doesn’t seem so long ago but in this life of mine it could have been decades ago. I sat and stared at the picture of myself and for a bit started hating my current body and wanting that one back. Until this morning when I talked it out with josh and they were two completely different people. 

The girl three years ago posed in a picture with her knee brace off and her friends high heels on. 

She may have been a size zero and worked out six days a week preparing for knee surgery. 

Today I am a six 4 or 6 but I am way stronger physically and mentally than I was then. I have had a major knee surgery and have been completely paralyzed. 

But today I can do a push up I could never do at a size zero. Today I am happy when I look at myself in the mirror a feeling I never had a size zero. Today I strive for the feeling of happiness and loving my body. Something I never did at size zero. 

I guess what I am trying to say is we should stop focusing on the size of our pants. Sizes always change. We had a discussion this morning about how someone could be a medium there entire life but due to the size of the average individual changing sizes have changed. When a girl walks into a store to buy jeans they may be one size somewhere and a different size somewhere else. 

The moral of this story is we all sit down and go down memory lane and wish for something we can’t have. But is that something we want really something we want. Do I want to be a size zero no. Do I want to be happy and strong. Yes! I strive to do a pull up. I strive to be strong and happy. If I never get down to the size I was pre surgery paralyzation I am okay with that. 

Why? Because I love me enough to be happy with the progress. If I keep moving for for progression I will never stop loving myself. 

Much love ?

Ps all I can think of now is the one tree hill episode when Millie where’s a shirt that says zero isn’t a size! 

So today marks my 26th year and 25 was one hell of a year. I learned to run. I’ve learned to skate again. I’ve accomplished a push up. I graduated university. I became a registered kinesiologist. I made so many amazing memories with so many wonderful people. I cannot see where the next year goes. 

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned this past year is to love myself. Every part of myself. To push myself passed any barrier that might come in my way and to overcome it all. I have learned that nothing can stop you except the negative words you say to yourself. I threw out the word can’t. I learned to see progress and be proud every single day of something I did. 

I sit here and reflect and the last 365 days have been crazy. Some ask what does one do on their birthday to celebrate and I give the simple answer if I will hit the gym at 7 am and I will coach my bootcampers through there workout tonight. 

I have found happiness in the gym. I have found happiness in coaching. I have started a new job that keeps me on my toes and always allows me to learn something new every day. 

I have the best friends a girl could ask for. Without them my life would be boring but they bring the adventure and always make everything exciting. I cannot wait to see where everything goes from here. 

My inspiration for you the reader is this. Fall in love with yourself. Be happy with who you are. Look yourself in the mirror and say one thing you love about yourself every day. Changing that mindset makes everything so much more worth it. When you are kind to yourself everything falls into place. 

Loveee 

Now go squat and wine later 

March 10th a day that will forever be etched in my memory. A day where I was forever changed. A day that was extremely scary and the future was unknown but a day I will forever be grateful because the girl who came out on the other side is so much better off because of it. 

A little recap…in late February I was diagnosed with optic neuritis and was losing control of my right leg. On March 9th I was medicated pretty well stuck in bed but did my last hockey game of the season. I was completely blind in my left eye. I could barely move my right leg but I wasn’t missing the game. I told people I was fine and I would get better little did I know I would get worse before getting better. March 10th 2015. I woke up to take my medication and could not feel or move my arm. I thought I must have slept on it funny and I waited and waited for it to wake up. It didn’t wake up. I crawled out of bed and I dragged my useless right side of my body down the stairs  to the kitchen to see cliff. I told him and he told me we had to go to the hospital. Obviously I didn’t want to do this and told him he had to call laurel instead. If she said we had to go then we’d go. Of course she said I had to go…and when I made it through those doors of the ER I didn’t make it back out of them for 10 weeks….

2 years later I can’t believe how far I have come. From being told I would never walk again and I should pick out my wheel chair to know and all that I have accomplished I can say the power of will is an amazing thing. 

I’m not saying it was easy because this journey has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever gone on but I can tell you it’s been the most eye opening adventure. I have learned that I am stronger than I could have imagined. That I can conquer just about anything I put my mind to and that I always will succeed. 

In the two years since I went into the hospital I have graduated college and university. I have become a registered kinesiologist and have worked my first job. 

I have walked I have run and I have SKATED. I have worked out and gained a routine that works for me. I have lost almost all hospital related weight and feel amazing. I have completed a bootcamp and now coach the bootcamp. I have learned to do a push up. I am close to a pull up. I push the sled. And every wednesday I workout with josh my mind is blown at the crazy things I can do!  We’ve got my hand back for a whole day! TWICE!! 

I’ve developed friendships with people and have gone on many great adventures. Concerts, races, hikes, camping, swimming, skating with katie and her kids (a day I never thought would come). 

All of this was possible because I refused to give up. I refused to back down and I refused to let my disability beat me. I did cry. I did get angry but I worked and I never stopped trying. It was hard but I honestly left it all on the floor and continue to every day. 

When I got to the rehab hospital I did my therapy seven days a week. When I missed my therapy on the weekend I made the rehab assistant (who happened to be a friend) leave the tools I needed in my room so I could do my exercises when I got back. My neighbour thought I was crazy but I knew that the only way I could achieve the things I wanted in life was by working hard and doing the time. When I started working with josh I didn’t know what we would manage together but I will forever be grateful for the time we have. The work that we have done has lead me to walk without a brace, take stairs, run, skate and soon my hand and a pull up! Without his knowledge and my sweat and hard work none of that would have been possible. The way the system works when I left therapy I wore a brace on my ankle and one on my wrist and without josh I believe I’d still be that way. 

Telling yourself constantly that you can do something and you will achieve something is half the battle. Never giving up is so rewarding. You never know what your body can handle until you put it to the test. For me a wheel chair just wasn’t something I could see myself dealing with. I told the doctors there was no way I wasn’t walking out of the hospital. I was right. 

The support system I have had throughout this whole journey also has played a massive role in my recovery. I lied and hid my hospital stay to many people for a long time but the ones that showed up and stayed when I finally told them are the real winners. From the food to the coffee to the rides to the emotional support this journey wasn’t something I could fully do on my own. 

Finding a hero and then making yourself your own hero is part of the journey. Batman was the hero I needed until I realized the strength I had within myself to overcome this mountain. If you are ever finding yourself unable to move forward find a hero. Think about what is needed for that hero to succeeed and embody that. Find the will to fight. Don’t ever give up. Push yourself. Find the limit and then push past that limit. Never stop working. Always keep improving. Don’t let what others say hold you back. Focus. Cry. Get angry. But use those emotions to fight. Fight for you. Battle the you from yesterday. Spend each day trying to one up yourself from yesterday. It’s you vs you every day. Nobody else matters in this journey to be your best self. Only you matter so why fight anyone else but you from yesterday. 

Be strong and life each day to the fullest. You don’t know what will happen tomorrow so why not start today!!! 

*sorry this was so long. And I felt like I rambled but I got emotional* 

It has almost been a month since my last workout alone and just when I thought I’d be getting back at it. I slip on some ice and throw out my back. 

While cancelling the gym and reaching out to my trainer he spoke words that meant more than I could comprehend at the time. He said every exercise program has a deload phase where you take a week off and rest your body so you are ready to begin again. 

This advice has been golden in both my fitness journey but in life in general. I need to deload and press restart and this week is a good week for it. 

This is my last week at my current job and I start my new full time job on Monday so what better week to deload refocus on my goals and be the best me I can to take this next step in my journey. 

What I didn’t realize was that taking time out for me and just doing nothing could be so relaxing and so refreshing. 

I want to be someone who is successful and who always comes out on top but we cannot do that without falling a few times on the way. I may have stumbled and crashed but I will succeed becuase I am determined. I’ve changed my mindset to not realize that this was a set back but a plea for rest. I have pushed and pushed my body that a week off from the rink and the gym are necessary. 

In replacement I have binged on tv and have started reading personal development. I watched a video presented by a mentor to me and life really is more than just getting that workout it. It’s about loving you and who you are. I am a hard worker and I love my workout but I also need to learn to love rest and relaxation because sometimes we need a break and recharge the battery. 

So self love. Rest and relax your body. Give it what it needs in order to succeed. I look forward to getting back in the gym and working out. But I will embrace this rest and recharge my mind so it is ready when my body is ready to get back at it. 

Don’t be discouraged! Something I am working really hard on this past week 

If you have been following along or know me you know I love my morning workout and have been working extremely hard to get to where I am. Recently I have been side lined with vertigo and it has been hard to not be discouraged. 

I was making great progress with josh at the gym getting my hand to work and was in a really good routine. Unfortunately now I cannot workout unless I am supervised which has caused me to need to go see josh more but it is not the usual every morning like I have been used to. Rolling out of bed and working out in my living room. 

So you may be wondering how I keep from getting discouraged. Well I decided it was more important to work out so I found it in my schedule and plan for the month to get in an extra workout with josh. I found someone to take me for a walk. I meal prepped for the entire week so I knew my nutrition would stay on track while being unable to workout and I kept myself busy. 

Trying to stay busy and avoid thinking about all the what ifs really helps me not get discouraged. There was moments where I was thinking I was scared or frustrated but I have been constantly reminded that I am still progressing and this is just a small bump in the road. It’s not the end of the road. It’s just a small detour. I’ve had bigger detours in my past so there is no reason I cannot get through this. 

So if you are feeling discouraged stop and think this is just a small bump in the road not the end of the road and that you will succeed. Surround yourself with like minded people who will remind you of the same thing and help to cheer you on if you need it. 

Just don’t ever give up. Becuase if you stop now you will always wish you were where you were before you stopped. 

I shared this advice with a group of fantastic ladies before their graduation from bootcamp. But I thought I would share it here because I believe it is advice that can be used in all areas of life. 

You vs you. 

We live in a society that is constantly telling us what to wear, the latest fitness fad, how to eat, who to hang out with, when we should be married by, how we should have kids, go to school get a job and we are always competeting to meet these ridiculous expectations. 

In reality the only person you should be in competition with is the you you were yesterday. If we strived each day to be better than the person we were yesterday and not be caught up in what everyone else is doing we would become a better person. The stress of trying to meet societal norms would be gone and we would be able to focus on the person that really matters which is you. 

We always get told as a child that you are unique and nobody else is like you so why would you want to be in competition with someone else who may have different factors and things going on. 

We all have things going on. Sometimes those things are openly visible and sometimes things that people are dealing with are deep within them that people can’t see. So we can’t compete with people because we will never have all the same factors that they do. 

So it’s you vs you. You have to fight against the person you were yesterday. Fight to beat your last rep. Fight to be nicer. Fight to become better than you were yesterday. Nothing can stop you from beating you yesterday or the you from six weeks ago or the last six months. The first step is to start. Start today. Do something to improve yourself because there is no better day to start than today. 

So every February comes around and stores get puked on by Valentine’s Day cards and chocolates and everyone starts talking about what they want from their special someone and those of us singles are left waiting for the chocolate to go on sale on the 15th. This year I did something different. I bought myself a Valentine’s Day present. 

Why not love me! Through this journey I have been on I have found a love for myself I never thought I could. I have started to put myself first. I have started to give to me before others and I have tried to stand or sit in front of a mirror every day and not critic my body but find something I love about it. 

We can all sit there and say we want to lose weight here. We wish we didn’t have stretch marks there. We wish are arms were bigger or we were tanner or had less freckles or our hair was longer the list could go on and on and on. Why not say I love that my legs are looking better than ever before. I love my smile. I love that the scar on my leg reminds me I have come so far. Why not love yourself welll in my opinion it is mostly because society says we don’t fit into the tiny tiny box they want us females to fit it. Maybe you males feel the same way I am sure you do but I can only speak for females. Well I can only really speak for myself but I’ll give you a prime example. 

This weekend was super Bowl and Lady Gaga put on a wicked show. I was impressed with the music the theatrics the lights everything she really did it all! But what does the media do…instead of speaking of the performance they speak of her stomach and how it wasn’t perfectly flat and she had some flab. Who the f cares. I personally sat there and said I love how she is rocking that outfit without abs. She was confident and proud and put on an amazing show. Why isn’t that the headline. 

I saw someone mention today on Facebook how the fitness industry has really not helped the matter because they post pictures of stage ready or the perfect lighting. What we don’t see is the 100s of pictures that get deleted or in some people’s cases the picture before the edits. 

Whyyy? 

I ask myself this on a daily especially when I find my self taking pictures deleting them and taking them again or using the “pretty filter” on snap chat. Whyyyyyy? 

For all those of you or there thinking you aren’t pretty enough. Your thighs touch. You are to fat. Stop! You are a piece of work. We can’t all be perfect. As long as each day you are working to love yourself and be a better human being then that is all you can do. Nothing in life is easy. If it was we would all be perfect. But when you achieve something you worked sooo hard for I promise it will be the best moment of your life!!!!