Mindset really is everything and for those who don’t really know me or have not been along for the entire journey, you may think that I was always positive and ready to go. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

In my personal experience, I believe the mental challenged I had to overcome to get where I am today were harder than the physical battle I fight daily. When you get constantly told that you will never walk again that there is nothing they can do for your pain, you fail exams or struggle with school because you are higher than a kite on pain medication trying to survive the day being positive can be extremely difficult. Lucky for me I had some great friends to show me the way.

I was lucky enough in university to have a great friend who fought the battles with me. From picking me up for school so that I did not have to crutch to the bus stop to helping me study even though she studied better alone! I also met people along the way at the right time to help me battle the mental aspects of my challenges.

I am a firm believe that we are never given more than we can handle but with a twist. I believe that our bodies can physically get through anything but sometimes we need a push and someone to run along side us to get through the mental game.

When I was in the hospital unable to move my right side of my body only a few people saw the real me. I put on a brave face for a number of people brushed everything off like it was nothing but deep down I was scared and I was feeling angry with life because it was not fair that I just learned to walk again and now I was back confined to a wheelchair. I struggled with doctors not believing there was anything wrong with me, I struggled with being stuck inside without seeing outside air for almost 17 days! I struggled with hot flashes, pain, nausea, and my biggest struggle was my loss of dignity. Being lifted off the toilet and showered by nurses who are your age or younger was one of the toughest things I had to deal with and was extremely difficult on my mental health. Unfortunately, most people don’t fully understand this situation and can only offer empty encouraging words because they have not been in this situation before, but I was lucky enough to have had a friend who had lived in the hospital and dealt with the same things I had, even though I wished he never had to experience the hospital life it was comforting to have him around.

Before the hospital, Manny was a guy I had known through friends and had met him a few times at some parties. On my 24th birthday, which started with a 730 am needle poke and wake up call from the nurses I was feeling pretty down! I got my new wrist name tag so that it said I was 24 and not 23 anymore which was a big deal for me. I got a day pass and I was on my way. First, the wheel chair didn’t fit into the car and I couldn’t even go home because I would never get up the stairs to my room. This was mentally tough on me. I had been in the hospital for 19 days and had not told many people because I was embarrassed and didn’t want my friends to take pity on me. I decided I could no longer do this on my own. I mean I  had support from my closest friends and family but I needed more. I reached out to Manny and let it all out there and I will never forget the words he spoke to me and from that day forward, my mindset change and I will never let myself back into that dark place again. As I sit here and write this thinking about how big a part Manny played in my recovery I cry. I cry tears of happiness that in such a terrible time a great friendship could be formed but I also cry because I am scared to think of what would have happened without his encouraging words and my hospital decorations.

The day I reached out to Manny he came to visit and decorated my room. He brought a Batman which sat on my window sill and in every room I moved to as it had done for him. (That Batman has seen one too many hospital rooms) He also hung a banner that said “courage not the absence of fear or despair but the strength to conquer them”. From that day forward I used Batman as a hero until I learned to be my own hero. From that day forward I let people in and I let people see me at my weakest. I made stronger friendships out of people I knew and I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I still have tough days but waking up and believing in yourself is half the battle.

It is okay to be scared, sad, and fearful as long as you look for a way to overcome those. The power of will is in my opinion, the strongest emotional force there is. If you believe you can do something and reach deep down inside of yourself you will achieve it. I was told I would never walk I was told I should probably just pick out a wheelchair and learn to write with my left hand. I chose to not let anyone but myself write my story for me. If I wasn’t going to walk again it was because I did absolutely everything and emptied all the tanks.

I feel like this might have been long winded and all over the place but I hope I can get the point across that mindset is everything! Sometimes we need someone to show us the hero inside of us! Its okay to ask for help, it is okay to feel vulnerable and it is okay to let people in when you need them the most!

Check this pod cast out: http://www.brucelee.com/podcast-blog/2016/11/2/17-affirmations-part-3-willpower

P.S. Manny if your reading this….THANK YOU SO MUCH for helping me find myself and my willpower to overcome everything.

Stu if you read this…thank you for bringing me coffee every day and sitting with me and bringing Shilo to visit!

Laurel, thank you for coming up to the hospital every day, for packing my room up, for helping me move, for advocating for me with the doctors, for doing puzzles with me to distract me, for letting me cry when I needed to cry, and for dealing with my stubborn angry sad happy mood swinging life.