Now I am no professional on burn out, but personally I feel that where I was at last Friday was definitely in the land of burn out. For me admitting this is difficult. It is also something nobody prepares you for, no book really teaches you the ways of protecting yourself from the burn out. Was there something I could have done to prevent it? Could I have worked less? Sure that’s possible but is that who I am? No…

I can admit I can be a workaholic. I have trouble saying no and I care a lot. I worry about things like what if I don’t work and leave everyone short. What if something happens? I find myself working in a field I was never prepared for. I never imagined I would work in the social work field so I also end up worried about not giving enough, being another person who just leaves, not being there when they need you. It really is a juggling act and a fine line between doing what you can for others while taking care of yourself.

I believe I have broad shoulders. I like to think I can hold space for others. What it has taught me is that although you have broad shoulders and old space and even though you are really good at your job there comes a point in time where your shoulders get heavy. Recognizing this point is difficult.

Many will never fully understand the secrets I hold. Maybe could never begin to understand. As my previous boss would say we really do hold societies darkest secrets. I have seen things. I have heard things. I have been there for things that pull at you. They are heavy. They hurt. They make you feel things. Feel anger. Feel sad. Feel disappointment. Feel let down. Lose trust in things you once believed in.

I keep going. I am getting better at holding the weight. Previously, I’d seek poor coping strategies bottle it up, drink it away, fill my body with junk, pretend it was no big deal.

I’m learning that when you lean on your tribe it makes it easier. When you listen and you feel your emotions it becomes better.

Last week, I experienced one of those dark secrets. I’ll admit it broke me a bit. This time around I reached out to my supports, I felt. I cried. I got angry. I then tried to let it go and move on. Last week I worked 61 hours. I was tired but still trying to pretend it was no big deal. My body had other plans. I was out for dinner. I was exhausted. I passed out unconscious. I remember hearing my best friend trying to wake me. I remember not being able to open my eyes. I came to but I couldn’t control my body. I couldn’t stay awake. I needed to go to the hospital. A place I hate….but I needed to go. After many tests and the best service I had every received I found out I had the worst kidney infection. The doctor asked was your back not sore? Of course my back is sore but two days prior I worked both my jobs and pulled a 23 hour shift. Was I tried? Of course I’m tired I work like a lot. I had missed all the signs my body was giving me that it needed to slow down. I chalked it up to no big deal.

The infection knocked me down hard. It had my on the couch for days. I had to call in sick…this is big for someone who doesn’t take days off unless forced. Worked throughout the entire pandemic. Pulled extra duties when needed. I feel I define myself as the caregiver who is a workaholic and I needed this reminder.

We cannot give from an empty cup. We cannot give 200% to everyone else and only give ourself 5%.

This weekend I felt lost I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was off from 430 Friday until 830 Monday. This doesn’t happen often for me. I also had zero plans whatsoever for the whole weekend. This is unknown territory for me. I don’t know how to sit still. This thought was almost scary. However, as I sit here writing this I feel more relaxed than I have in a long time. I decorated for Christmas, I meal prepped healthy food, I had a solo dance party in living room, I walked in a winter wonderland and of course watched my fill of football. I also listened to my body. I gave it healthy food. I moved it when needed. I rested it when required and I let it feel. I cried. I yelled. I journaled and now I wrote this.

Burn out is really. It doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t make me a band person. Giving 100% to the ones I do. I just need to remember that I need to fill my cup up more. I can’t empty the tank. I will be a better giver with more rest. I need to take care of me. The system is broken but I need to trust the process and share the weight because my shoulders can’t take it all.

This was a hard lesson to learn and accept. As I write this I feel I’m still trying to convince myself this is what a burn out feels like but I am so glad I gave my body the time it needed this weekend and I now know I should do this more often. So if you feel like this forgive yourself. We do hard work and it ain’t easy.

I was given really good advice the other day. Although it may be thankless and sometimes the ones we help will never mention it again in that moment we gave them everything they needed and forever changed the outcome. It is okay to feel and process but in order to keep going we got to feel it, learn from it, advocate for change and put it away in the box….