Who am I? This is something I have struggled with for a long time. I have always defined my identity with external things. I was a figure skater. I was a kinesiology student. I was a cripple. I was the girl with crutches. I was the girl defining herself by her relationships. I was the girl that gave 150% to every relationship even if I got nothing back. I was a giver and I just wanted to fit in. I was the girl with the smile on her face who was losing herself piece by piece to fit in and to make the other people happy. This was a struggle.

I spent a lot of time giving up pieces of me in order to keep the others happy. A lot of unhealthy relationships and unnecessary hurt was felt when it was so easy to just forget about me. Friends who stop speaking to you because you stopped always being the first one to reach out. It’s actually crazy and eye opening for me how many people never seem to notice. Spend just a few days not being the person who always reaches out see what happens. Putting up boundaries and striving for healthy relationships is something I have been working on. I never thought that having a healthy relationship with people also means it’s okay to be selfish. When you having healthy boundaries and relationships you can be selfish about your needs. You need a day to yourself to recharge your batteries. Your tribe honours that. You need your tribe to help lift you up off the ground your tribe is there. It’s a give and take relationship. You get back what you put in. Some days you might not be able to give yourself fully but that is okay to because your tribe is there to help. They will never make you feel bad for doing what is best for you.

Finding my tribe has been eye opening. Finding myself and becoming the person I want to be has been eye opening. I’d say the shift started in august when I went on vacation. I was with my best friend and she had told me to put on this romper she thought would be cute. I had originally thought “no way I can’t that won’t look good on me. I have gained to much weight to be able to wear that. Never” However, she never took no for an answer. I put in the romper for our beach day and to my surprise it actually looked good. She was right. I just needed to learn to be confident and have better self talk. The rest of that week I pushed myself I let her pick out clothes I would never have picked out for myself and I embraced it. When I came back from vacation I felt recharged and ready to take on the world. I started to actually do my hair and wear make up again. I decided that the voices in my head telling me not to were opinions of people who did not matter. I started to push myself physically and emotionally to make this change.

I started to take each day as a new challenge to make myself better. I reached for my drum and sage on mornings that were extra hard. I asked Gichi-Manidoo for guidance for this journey. I sat with Nibi when I needed to calm my mind and I called upon my tribe when I felt like the weight of the world was too much. I started to feed my body with the foods it needed. I started moving my body and pushing the limits and I started to smile again. But this time I was really smiling. I was looking at the girl in the mirror and instead of picking her apart I am slowly learning to love myself again.

Loving myself for all my flaws. For forgiving my body for the shame I have felt. I felt terrible in my own skin because I had let it go. But I forgave myself. I was sick. I was stressed I didn’t properly cope with the lemons life threw at me and that is okay because moving forward I can change that.

So I am going to write here my new introduction to myself…..

I am a strong independent warrior women

I have the power of will to always stand back up.

I have the passion and love to help others

I am embracing my culture and all that it is.

I am me! Powerful, beautifully broken, growing, learning, strong and it is okay to not have it all together. It is okay to break down because I will crawl until I can walk, walk until I can run, run until I can soar.

This is me!