Change, new normal, adapt, flexible…words that I have been struggling with.

For those that know me, know I am a very type A person. I do things in a certain way, I like having a plan, I make multiple to do lists, and I am a workaholic. I am a giver and I will fight to the bitter end for what I believe is right.

The last three and a half months have been extremely difficult. First, I was deployed and working two jobs instead of my one job. Protocols changed every day and we began washing our hands so much they bled. I couldn’t do my job the way I did it before and spent many days feeling completely useless and like I was not helping anyone. I was also forced to throw the to do list out the window persay. Days during the pandemic never went as planned and some days the to do list really just needed to be thrown out the window. This has been exhausting. More so that I really wanted to admit. I have taken a couple hours off here and there but have not had a full day off the entire pandemic.

Today I woke up feeling very overwhelmed and anxious. I laid in bed awake before my alarm went off and just could not get myself out of bed. I had to bring my vehicle to the shop today because someone decided to hit and run my jeep last Friday morning. The police woke me up at 230am to tell me that they smashed my front end, moved my vehicle two feet’s and nobody got a license plate so it would fall on me to deal with. Resulting in a 1000 dollar deductible needing to be paid in order for the insurance company to fix my vehicle. Really frustrating since I did nothing but park my vehicle outside and sleep throw an accident. Anyways, I also have an overwhelming feeling of guilt and anxiety because I decided to quit my job last week after being offer an amazing opportunity to use my education and skills.

I love my job. My job is very stressful and sometimes it feels like it is never ending and work does not stay at the door it filters through. It results in being triggered by the random movies or facebooks posts and sometimes feelings just hit you without understand why. I have been lucky to work with some amazing people both co workers and clients and saying good bye has never been easy for me. My co workers have become friends so I know I won’t have to say goodbye but for my clients that is a different story. Going back to the beginning of this I said I was a workaholic. I sometimes forget that the work will be there when you get back and that you are replaceable as one of my friends put it when going through a pros and cons list of taking the new job or staying with the current job. Although replaceable it still does not make it easy to say good bye because for some clients me leaving them is a trigger.

Today it all became too much and I could not get myself out of bed. I reached out to my strong warrior women and they planned with me and talked me through what I needed and how I was going to get through the day. I went and dropped my vehicle off. Got a ride to work ended up being really early. Caught up on the case notes that needed to be done but was unable to access files and my email was not working. This was too much for me. I admitted defeat on the day and knew I needed to take a minute to breathe.

I was picked up and swept away to the water. A place of comfort. Water (Nibi) calms me. It relaxes my worries. It honestly feels like stress can just be washed away. It was exactly what I needed. I needed a minute to feel the water take the stress away. Feel the water ground me and prepare me for the next few weeks. I know it won’t be easy letting go because I am a control freak and I have worked very hard to bring the program where it is now but I know that I have to make these decisions for me.

Making decisions for me is difficult, on top of the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared of change and the what if’s I feel a lot of guilt and shame. I feel guilty for wanting to make a decision for me. I feel loyal to my job and my boss and my clients. I worry about what will happen later and will everything work out. I feel shame for feeling this way. Many people say when you walk out at 430 it doesn’t matter until you walk back in at 9. But that has never been me. I went into a helping profession because I wanted to care for the ones that don’t necessarily have someone willing to fight for them or show them how to fight for themselves.

I’ve been knocked down. I have crawled so I can walk and walked so I can run. I believe I was knocked down so hard so that I can show others knocked down that it is possible to run again. But even when we can run we still need to take a minute to breathe.

The world is a very different place. It is hard to adjust and change add in changing your profession well even the best of need a minute. Which is OKAY! I keep reminding myself that calling a mental health day is okay. It is okay to feel overwhelmed. It is okay to feel anxious. It is okay to say I need a minute because I can’t bare all this weight right now. And it is most definitely okay to reach out and say help I need someone to help me hold this weight for a minute.

I challenge you to breathe and feel okay to breathe. It will be so worth it.