Have you ever been asked where do you see yourself in five years? It’s always been a question I struggled with and never really knew where I would be in five years. A really good friend of mine stated they stumbled across my blog and said I should write again. I didn’t really know what to write but here we are with a five years later…
5 years ago I walked out of the hospital after 72 days. I was moving into a new apartment on a side of town I had never lived, to a place all alone. I had no use of my right hand and my foot worked when it wanted to and with assistance from devices. Basically if I did not put on a shoe I was dragging my leg across the ground. I had a university degree and just completed my college diploma. I had a summer job however life was looking like it would be quite difficult for the time being trying to figure out a new normal. I did not quite know where I was going and if I could go back and tell myself it would work out in the end just keep chugging I am sure it might have made those days easier.
I found peace in writing about my journey. I put a lot of effort into recovery and proving the doctors wrong. Eventually it got to the point where I was considering myself “normal”. I finished my graduate diploma, I started working full time and life was going on as it should. I stopped writing. I didn’t know what to write. I was lost. I didn’t really know who I was anymore. I was no longer the girl who was a cripple. I was no longer the girl on the road to recovery I was recovered. What did that mean?
When my contract was ending I took a leap of faith and started a new career. I accepted a job in an organization that would send me on one hell of an identity self growing journey. I joined a team of warrior women. Women who are so inspiring and influential that they helped me find the path I needed to be on. A path to my culture. A path to becoming the women I am today. A path of defining who I am and where I want to go.
Before coming to my current employment I never openly talked about culture. I remembered back when I was a kid dancing in pow wows and wanting to be a fancy dancer like my friend Karolyn. I remembered the bannock burgers at school and the awareness weeks we had but after leaving Sioux lookout I never really participated in anything cultural. I was afraid. I didn’t have family I could go to for teachings. I didn’t even know where to begin or if I should even begin. I travelled to Northern communities to work with elders and I was so wrong. I learned very quickly that you can learn and live the 7 teachings at any time in life. That it is okay to ask questions and it is okay to not know.
Slowly I started learning. I participated in smudging, healing circles and a drum birthing. The day of the drum birthing I was so moved by the process I knew I needed to learn more. I continued to follow the path and learn what I could. How to work hide and prepare it for tanning, how to find the medicines, how to honour the medicines, how to drum and sing. How to help others find their path. It has been a crazy transformation.
I believe I have found the right path. I have found the career I can be passionate about and can help so many others. I’ve found myself and who I want to be. I have figured out who I am. Through this process I have lost people along the way and have grown apart from people but it has brought me closer to others that have helped to guide me.
I will leave you with one more story before wrapping this up. It is a story of how I know I am on the right path and prepared to work through the stresses in life. One day a Monday, I woke to the water song play in my head. The song was in Ojibway and at first I did not know what song it was but I knew it was a song I did not know. I could only describe it as the song that is usually sung way to fast for me to know the words to it. I had not heard the song recently but the song played over and over in my head. It would play quietly and it would play loudly over and over again. By mid morning I did not understand what was happening so I asked for guidance. My friend stated that we should smudge at lunch. At lunch I met two of my friends and co workers for a smudge. It began like any other smudge but felt different. When the eagle feather was in my hand I spoke of things I didn’t even know I was thinking I just spoke of a place that will forever hold a piece of my heart. After the smudge we went back to work. My one friend told me that she felt something when I was talking that there was something around me. My other friend said she could see an aura around me there was a spirit there. It was decided that I should honour the water with tobacco the next morning at sunrise.
My friend picked me up the next morning song was still playing in my head and we went to the water. It was still covered by ice but it was loud you could hear the ice cracking. You could hear the top crack you could hear the ice deep down cracking. I could feel the water really moving around me. We watched the sun rise and we laid down our prayers. Later that morning I joined some co workers to drum. We smudged and did some sharing and then we sang. When the water song played I knew every word. I know this may seem like no big deal but I had never sang this song previously. I usually sing with words in front of me as I am not confident in singing in Ojibway as I don’t speak Ojibway but this day the water song flew out of me like it was nothing. I could sing the song as if I had song the song a million times before. When we sang the last word I broke down into tears and had this overwhelming feeling crashing over me. I didn’t understand the meaning of the gift and I struggled to understand it but I was accepting it. That night I reached out to another colleague and said I have something I need to tell you but it has to wait until we can talk in person. This colleague/friend said they had something for me too but it would also have to wait the two days until I could see them
Fast forward 48hours and i have a strong need to go and talk to the friend at work. I start by saying this is going to sound like the weirdest story you have ever heard but for some reason I need to tell you it and I need to tell you it now. I told her about the song and she said oh man we need to go upstairs and smudge right now. At first, I will be honest, I was nervous the last few times I had smudged weird things happened that I could not explain or control and I was nervous she thought I was a little crazy. She did not she just needed to add to the story. On the Monday, the same day the song started playing in my head she was given a feather by someone who could no longer take care of the eagle feather. (For those that do not know, an eagle feather is one of the greatest gifts one can receive. It is used in ceremony it is usually held in the left hand while a smudge is being done and is held when it is the time to speak. The eagle is said to be the animal with the connection to the creator. The eagle informs the creator of the things we are doing). When the feather was given to the person she knew the feather did not belong to her. On the Tuesday she took the feather in and smudged and knew instantly that this feather had to belong to me. During the smudge she offered me the gift of the feather. She also explained the story of where the feather came from. The feather had been given to her by her brother, an individual I had met previous to meeting this friend. A feather with a meaning and a shared connection I again started to cry. We both have strong beliefs in science and hard facts and this was something we just could not understand it was as crazy story we could not make up if we tried. We told multiple people all of who told us it was a special gift and we would learn the meaning at some point.
The pandemic began and we have all been in this crazy world for many many weeks. It is a stressful time, it is a confusing time, it is a time where some days all I can deal with is work and when I get home I do not have the energy to do anything else. I was having a conversation one day with a friend about how the pandemic was changing me. I am a very scheduled person who needs organization and structure but the pandemic does not really allow that. He told me I need to be like water. I had to ask him to explain. I did not understand this he did not know my story but I felt he was answering my questions. He told me I needed to be like water always flowing forward and no matter what obstacles comes in front of me I just need to continue to flow over or around it but always move forward. He said water is adaptable and ever flowing. Water has it’s rough moments but also can be very calm. Maybe this was the answer maybe the song and feather were preparing me to change and be more adaptable and open and to move with the flow no matter how difficult it seems or maybe it was all one big coincidence. We shall never know for sure but it has really changed my mindset.
Times are tough. Circles are small and social distancing has brought us closer to some and further from others but wherever we go I hope that in five years I can look back and be as amazed if not more amazed at how far one can come in five years. So where do you see yourself in five years? Five years ago where did you see yourself going? It’s nice to reflect and sometimes you surprise yourself.
Sorry it’s been so long…and if you made it this far thank you for reading, I forgot what it was like to write again!
